To my eating disorder,

You promised me safety and security. Control and promise. Realized dreams and endless possibilities. Plenty of friends and countless boys. Success and happiness. All in all the 'American dream'.

You lied.

Instead you stole the past 10 years of my life. You gave me weak hair and brittle nails. Grey skin and sunken eyes. Aching joints and a feeble immune system. Heart palpitations. Rotten teeth. Debt. You made a fully grown woman cry over a plate of food. You made me question everything I did. You made me doubt myself. Feel like nothing but a failure. Twice, you took my opportunity to graduate with my course-mates.You destroyed countless friendships and relationships. You put my family through so much.

YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A FRAUD

I am lovable no matter what my size

I am entitled to a life without an eating disorder

I am not judged purely on my appearance. I have other qualities of which I am worthy

I am working to improve the quality of my life

Self care & self compassion are not selfish

Food is neither good nor bad. In moderation all foods provide nourishment for the body, mind & soul

Happy Birthday Sarah!!

Happy Birthday Miss Robertson! I hope this new age brings you a new chapter of life & happiness. (I believe this is my sixth birthday wish now....whatsapp, facebook, twitter, youtube video, blog & card!!!!) I think I'll stop now but I hope you got the message :) xxx

Baking...friend or foe?

I need to get my baking hat back. When I was at my most ill I could ALWAYS be found rustling up some sweet delicacy. The trouble was  I refused to eat any of it. I would spend hours perfecting a cake I would never taste. Personally back then I enjoyed cooking for others - I still do. I know people say this is typical of someone suffering from an eating disorder but I genuinely do get a lot of pleasure from seeing others enjoy something I have made for them. During treatment it was drummed into me that this was 'disordered behavior' and one that was best left behind. So that's what I did. I can't remember the last time I had a good baking session. I did a little over Christmas but that was mostly simple biscuits. Not the elaborate cupcakes I used to make. I really want to whip out my old recipes but I'm worried that it may trigger something. Hmmmmm...

Why I love my body

This post was inspired by my therapist who asked me to name things I love about my body. I found it in my journal...without a doubt it was the hardest thing I've ever written.

I love my hair because it's auburn. It's strong and healthy and stands out in a crowd.

I love my eyes because they are totally unique (grey and gold!)

I love my freckles because they get kissed by someone special (especially the one on my nose!)

I love my arms because they allow me to hug the people I love and although the scars upset me they are a daily reminder of what I've accomplished.

I love my stomach....even after a 3 course meal. Stomachs are not meant to be concave!

I love my bum (FINALLY AFTER 24 YEARS!)  It's curvy and round and has only ever been paid compliments. Now it's time I paid it a compliment too.

I love my legs. Yes they're short but they look good in heels. Whats more they allow me to walk, run, dance...

I love my size 3 feet. Shoes galore in the sales!

If I was thin I would be happy
I don't need to be thin in order to be happy

If I had a boyfriend I would be happy
I don't need a boyfriend in order to be happy

If I got the top marks I would be happy
I don't need the best marks in order to be happy

If I was perfect I would be happy
I don't need to be perfect in order to be happy