To my eating disorder,

You promised me safety and security. Control and promise. Realized dreams and endless possibilities. Plenty of friends and countless boys. Success and happiness. All in all the 'American dream'.

You lied.

Instead you stole the past 10 years of my life. You gave me weak hair and brittle nails. Grey skin and sunken eyes. Aching joints and a feeble immune system. Heart palpitations. Rotten teeth. Debt. You made a fully grown woman cry over a plate of food. You made me question everything I did. You made me doubt myself. Feel like nothing but a failure. Twice, you took my opportunity to graduate with my course-mates.You destroyed countless friendships and relationships. You put my family through so much.

YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A FRAUD

I am lovable no matter what my size

I am entitled to a life without an eating disorder

I am not judged purely on my appearance. I have other qualities of which I am worthy

I am working to improve the quality of my life

Self care & self compassion are not selfish

Food is neither good nor bad. In moderation all foods provide nourishment for the body, mind & soul

Happy Birthday Sarah!!

Happy Birthday Miss Robertson! I hope this new age brings you a new chapter of life & happiness. (I believe this is my sixth birthday wish now....whatsapp, facebook, twitter, youtube video, blog & card!!!!) I think I'll stop now but I hope you got the message :) xxx

Baking...friend or foe?

I need to get my baking hat back. When I was at my most ill I could ALWAYS be found rustling up some sweet delicacy. The trouble was  I refused to eat any of it. I would spend hours perfecting a cake I would never taste. Personally back then I enjoyed cooking for others - I still do. I know people say this is typical of someone suffering from an eating disorder but I genuinely do get a lot of pleasure from seeing others enjoy something I have made for them. During treatment it was drummed into me that this was 'disordered behavior' and one that was best left behind. So that's what I did. I can't remember the last time I had a good baking session. I did a little over Christmas but that was mostly simple biscuits. Not the elaborate cupcakes I used to make. I really want to whip out my old recipes but I'm worried that it may trigger something. Hmmmmm...